I like to read the questions and answers on Yahoo! and elsewhere on the internet. It is all I can do to restrain myself from giving sarcastic answers like I would do if I were Dear Abby. The only thing stopping me is you have to sign up to comment. Screw that.
I don't know what answers the experts gave to the following questions. Doesn't matter. Only my personal sarcasm really matters.
How many Rocket Scientists does it take to paint a house? A thousand. One to hold the paint brush and 999 to turn the house. Bwahahahahahah!
Just kidding. Now where was I?
(Note: the following were actual questions by people who, presumably, had driver's licenses.)
1. "What does it mean when the battery indicator light illuminates?"
Professor Max: It is just a reminder to stop and pick up bread on your way home. Be sure and turn your car off while you are in the store.
2. "Can my engine overheat by switching to synthetic oil?"
Professor Max: Why the hell do you want your engine to overheat?
3. "Where can I find a scribe tool?"
Professor Max: You mean a scribe who is a tool? Say, keep up with the dumb questions and you will be pulling one out of your nose.
4. "Is the A/C covered under my powertrain warranty?"
Professor Max: Is your air conditioner part of your powertrain? Yes, both your A/C and your cigarette lighter are covered under your powertrain warranty. Tell them Max said so.
5. "How much air pressure is right for a minivan?"
Professor Max: It depends. Are you going to use the van for deep-sea diving? Do you want your ears to bleed? If you mean tires, then the pressure should be around 300 PSI. Be sure to put your face really close to the tire as you put the air in.
6. "I took my 2002 Mercedes to a back alley mechanic and he put the same water pump on and didn't change the transmission fluid. Do you think I can get my money back? (I didn't get a receipt.)"
Professor Max: Soitenly. Send me $100 and I will take care of the problem for you.
7. "My serpentine belt was screeching and sliding around..." "I gave him a Playstation 2 and an X-Box and he knocked $100 off the water pump he didn't replace." "I need some advice..." "Bottom line, am I screwed?"
Professor Max: You're the same dumbass with the Mercedes, right? No, everything will be just fine. Send me another $100 and I will handle this for you as well.
8. "Gasoline is slowly dripping from the tank. Will it last the weekend?"
Professor max: Is this that Mercedes guy again? It will last until about 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday. But you must drive continuously between now and then. You can stop the leak by pouring ten pounds of sugar into the gas tank, in case you didn't know that.
9. "How do you take out the distributor on a 1990 Ford F-150? Do you just pull it straight up or what?"
Professor Max: Not to be patronizing, but if you have to ask how to take out a distributor, you shouldn't be taking out a distributor. Sigh. Yes, just pull it straight up. Be sure to remove the retaining bolt first, though, or lifting it straight up could be more difficult than you think. Good luck on getting your truck started again after you put it back in.
10. "When should I replace my Nissan Sentra timing chain?"
Professor Max: You mean what time of day? Actually, since this Nissan uses a timing belt... ah, never mind. Generally you begin by removing the headlight on the driver's side. Then you drain the gas tank. Do you have a cell phone? Good. Call the Nissan dealership and have them come pick up your car and fix it for you.