Those of you who have followed my blogs have come to know how truly objective I am in my reporting, and how especially tolerant and neutral I am when I blog about my beloved government. Hardly a day passes that I am not reminded of the caring benevolence spread over me by my Federal Government. Sometimes, when I realize just how thickly their concern for my well-being is spread all over me, my heart nearly bursts with love as I give thanks that I live in a country which cares enough to warn me, like a loving
How many times has my government literally saved my life by mandating the printing of pictures of lifeless babies with x'ed out eyes and little tongues hanging out on the little plastic bag that my keyboard came in? Or, since I am prone to blow-drying my hair while sitting in the bathtub, how many times do you think, over the years, I have given a huge whew of relief when I've opened a new hair dryer and - just in the nick of time - saw the likeness on the plastic wrapper of the hapless schmuck with the electric bolts coming out of his ears and smoke rising from his electron-fried boyo? It boggles. I rejoice publicly in front of your prying eyes.
How long has this been going on? When did it start? I'm guessing it may have been one of the nice things Jimmy Carter did for us, but I may be wrong. It may be even older. If I try hard enough, I can conjure up long-dead (may Allah be praised) congressmen from the 1960s with fat cigars and blue smoke around their heads with skinny suspenders holding their pants up over their bloated pot-bellied pork bellies, passing major plastic-bag safety legislation in lulls between congressional pay-raise bills. And LBJ signing them as fast as his bought-and-paid-for slimy hands could sign. And then, probably, selling the pens he signed them with.
God, how proud the fallen boys from the hedgerows of France must feel as they smile down from heaven and witness the fruits of their sacrifice manifested in such greater personal freedom from intrusive government than they were able to enjoy in their brief lifetimes. How proud the Framers must be to realize just how much their progeny understands what they meant by "regulate interstate commerce". Glory.
Would I like to live in a world where the government doesn't require asinine needless warnings on plastic bags? Would I like to see all the rows of empty "handicapped parking" spaces disappear? I think I would like to leave those things up to state and local governments, thank you. One size doesn't fit all. It has NEVER been more efficient to send in your money to the Federal Government and then have them send some of it back to the states and cities wrapped neatly around new stupid regulations. EVEN if they are big enough to make me do things I don't want to do.
If the Feds want to regulate something, how about them thar bank charges? No price fixing there, by golly - it's just a big fat coincidence that all banks charge the exact same fees. Sure. Just like it is only a big fat coincidence all four gas stations on each intersection with different signs price their gasoline the same, to the penny. You bet. And how about seeing my interest rates keep going up on my credit cards even though I haven't missed a payment in 10 years? Huh? Even though the price banks pay for money has gone down and down and down to ZERO practically. How about that, Mr. and Mrs. Fed? How about putting some of your crony stock broker buddies in jail for stealing all the bail-out money YOU gave them? Hey? That'll keep you busy enough that you don't have to worry about mandating warnings on my toothpaste. I say let the Feds keep the thieving banks and credit card companies off my back and buy some decent body armor for the Army, and just leave the rest to the people. (Other people, not me.)
Obligatory notice for my dear liberal readers:
All this sarcasm aside, I do believe there are some (many) things that we need our Federal Government to do - things that don't make sense for local governments or state governments to be trying to do. That's another post, since I will have to think up some things our Federal Government is better at than local governments would be good at, other than the obvious things that are outlined in the Constitution already. Among these would be uniform Civil Rights laws and enforcement. I would consider things like no child labor and not having to starve in the gutter to be civil rights.
By all means, please list all the things YOU think the Federal Government should be involved in because they love you and me and are concerned for our welfare. Don't be afraid. I won't bite.
And if I was the President
The minute the Congress'd call my name
I'd say "Now, who do... who do you think you're foolin'?"
I got the Presidential Seal
I'm up here on the Presidential Podium
And my country loves me, she loves me
She gets down on her knees and hugs me
She LOVES me like a rock
She rocks me like the Rock of Ages
My country loves me
She love me love me love me love me.
Apologies to Paul Simon. Big time.