Thoughts are things

If there is a God (and there is), how it must laugh to watch mortals deep in heavy-duty thought debating its existence or it's form. I say "laugh" because any God that exists must surely have a sense of humor when it comes to humans.

Anselm: God exists because we can conceive of such a thing in our minds. The very conception of something means it exists. Thoughts are things. Just because you can't see something doesn't mean that thing doesn't exist.

Aquinas: So you really think you can conceive of God and what God is? Only God knows what the nature of God is. God exists, but not because you can conceive such an entity exists. Only God can think those thoughts with true knowledge of his nature. Your vague conceptions suck.

Descartes: I think, therefore I am. You don't have to know the nature of God. You only have to conceive that God is perfection, whatever his "nature" is. Give me a break. God exists because I can conceive of a perfect entity. Je pense donc je suis. Cogito ergo sum. Or did I say that already?

Relax Max: Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum. Contemplatum hurtus cabeza. I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am. Thinking makes my head hurt.

The Dog of the South

I'm not much on reading fiction.

But I do sometimes, if it's good enough.

The Dog of the South is good enough.

I'm not much on blogging book reports, either, but Descartes paid a rare visit to this blog the other day, so I will, in honor of him. (Jon talks about books, tv, movies on his blog.)

"The Dog of the South" is a perfect novel for me: It's old (1979); there is hardly anything in the way of a plot; and, best of all, the characters do not develop in ANY way. They are what they are and they don't improve with age.

Why would I want to read it then? Because it is good. It is entertaining. It is interesting. I couldn't put it down when I first read it and I couldn't put it down the second time around, now that Overlook has had the brains to reissue it after twenty years or so.

Why else? Maybe because Charles Portis makes me laugh so hard and so long that I pee all over the couch and scare the cats.

Charles Portis is funny. Charles Portis' first big book was the comedy "True Grit" back about 1968 or so. I'm talking about the book, not the movie (although he made a pretty penny selling the book to the movies too - not once, but twice so far.) Maybe you didn't think True Grit was a comedy, but it is in the book. Only Portis could make up names like Rooster Cogburn or Mattie from Yell County.

But The Dog of the South is not True Grit. It is in a class of its own. A world of it's own. There is no real need to think: just read and laugh your ass off.

The hapless protagonist, Ray Midge, is more than bad enough on his own, but Portis, in a fit of overkill, throws in Dr. Reo Symes as Midge's poor man's Pancho Sanza:

"I always tried to help Leon and you see the thanks I got. I hired him to drive for me right after his rat died. He was with the Murrell Brothers Shows at that time, exhibiting a fifty-pound rat from the sewers of Paris, France. Of course it didn't really weigh fifty pounds and it wasn't your true rat and it wasn't from Paris, France, either. It was some kind of animal from South America. Anyway, the thing died and I hired Leon to drive for me. I was selling birthstone rings and vibrating jowl straps from door to door and he would let me out at one end of the block and wait on me at the other end."

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It's hard to explain comedy. In fact, if you can explain why it's funny, it probably isn't. Suffice to say it isn't the 50 pound rat that makes the reader lose bladder control; that only gets you set up and mentally smiling. It is, of course, the vibrating jowl straps that pushes you over the edge. Anyway, here's a bit of Ray Midge talking at the beginning of the book:

"My wife Norma had run off with Guy Dupree and I was waiting around for the credit card billings to come in so I could see where they had gone. I was biding my time. This was October. They had taken my car and my Texaco card and my American Express card. Dupree had also taken from the bedroom closet my good raincoat and a shotgun and perhaps some other articles. It was just him like to pick the .410 — a boy's first gun. I suppose he thought it wouldn't kick much, that it would kill or at least rip up the flesh in a satisfying way without making a lot of noise or giving much of a jolt to his sloping monkey shoulder."

More:

"Here he was then, cruising the deserts of Mexico in my Ford Torino with my wife and my credit cards and his black-tongued dog. He had a chow dog that went everywhere with him, to the post office and the ball games, and now that red beast was making free with his lion feet on my Torino seats."

More:

"In exchange for my car he left me his 1963 Buick Special. I had found it in my slot at the Rhino Apartments parking lot, standing astride a red puddle of transmission fluid. It was a compact car, a rusty little piece of basic transportation with a V-6 engine. The thing ran well enough and it seemed eager to please but I couldn't believe the Buick engineers ever had their hearts in a people's car. Dupree had shamefully neglected it. There was about a quarter-turn of slack in the steering wheel and I had to swing it wildly back and forth in a childlike burlesque of motoring. After a day or two I got the hang of it but the violent arm movements made me look like a lunitic. I had to stay alert every second, every instant, to make small corrections...

The speedometer cable was broken, but...

"I had to keep the Buick speed below what I took to be about sixty because at that point the wind came up through the floor hole in such a way that the Heath wrappers were suspended behind my head in a noisy brown vortex."

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One reviewer said nobody should die without reading "The Dog of the South." I don't think I would go that far, but "The Dog of the South" is probably the best book that includes an old school bus in Mexico that you will read for a long time.

Another reviewer said this book is like being held down and tickled. That about says it for me, too.

Warning: like the naive girl who reviewed it on Amazon: "This book is not about a dog!"

United Nations, Nato, European Union, NASA

Why do bagpipers always march when playing? To get away from the sound. Also, moving targets are harder to hit. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawnmower. What's a definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play a bagpipe but doesn't. What's the difference between a dead snake on the road and a dead bagpiper on the road? Skid marks in front of the snake. How do you get two bagpipers to play in perfect unison? Shoot one of them.

Thanks to Descartes for the idea. And to a couple other websites for posting bagpipe jokes they stole from someone else.

Electricity 101-b: Opposites attract; magnetism is your friend!

In our first lesson, we learned that some electrons can be caused to move from one atom to another, and that this "flow of electrons" was known as electricity. Yes, indeed.

Actually, we can be a bit more specific: electricity is a form of energy which results from the very existence of "charged particles". When we say "charged particles" we mean what, little Lidian? Do you remember? YES! Protons and Electrons! Good! And you weren't even here!

And opposites attract, right? The little boy in the very back - no, Canucklehead, not you. You would not know the answer to this. Descartes? Yes. Descartes. What's that? Call you "Rene"? I think not. You are a little boy, not a little girl. Tell us what are attracted to each other, D. I will call you "D" because Descartes is too long to type each time.

D: "Protons and electrons are attracted to one another because they have opposite charges!" Oh, my! Have an Oreo, little D! And YOU weren't in class last time either! Amazing!

Electricity can be either STATIC or DYNAMIC. Yes. Yes. Don't shake your head Little Debbie. Static electricity is an accumulation of a charge, and dynamic electricity is that which you cause by inducing a current. Don't worry - all will become plain, little Alison. What? No, I haven't seen your church, Alison.

Angelika! No more warnings, young lady! Pay attention! Put your Hugh Laurie dolls away, please.

An example of STATIC electricity might be that which comes from a battery. Or lightning. Or... hmmmm. Come up here little Canucklehead. Take off your shoes. Good. Now walk over to the door, shuffling your feet on the carpet. Good. Good. Good boy, little Canuck. Now, slowly point your finger at the metal door knob. Gently now... good boy! Don't cry little Canuck. It is only a demonstration of static electricity. What's that? "POP"? Yes, little Canuck, big "pop." Thank you. Sit down now. Stop sniffling little Canuck.

Can anyone tell us why there was that little spark at the tip of Canuck's finger? Anyone? No? Little A.? Little A., don't try to hunch down and hide. We know you are sitting there. Anyone else? Sheila? "Because little Canuck had shuffled off some electrons and needs to receive more"? Why, that's very good indeed, Sheila! The door knob KNEW little Canuck needed some more electrons, so the extra ones just JUMPED right into the tip of Canuck's finger. More surprising than painful. Little Canuck? Nod your head, please. Yes. Say, "More surprising than painful."

"Static electricity is simply the transfer of electrons from one material to another." Write that down, please.

"Static electricity is the imbalance of electron charges." Write that down too. Janet? Write that down, please. You can just remember it? No, little Janet. Write it down. Yes, please.

Please come up front, Canucklehead. Bring the balloon we blew up earlier. Yes. The pink one. It doesn't matter little Canuck. The yellow one. Whichever. Because I thought you might break one. Just choose one. Hurry. Don't shuffle your feet, little Canuck. Just walk.

Now I need one more volunteer. No Canuck. You are already a volunteer. Besides, we need someone with hair. Little A.? Will you help us? Thank you. Just come up front, please.

Yes, Canuck. She does have hair. Lots of nice curly hair. Of course I am not going to hurt her. Why would you say that?

Watch this very closely, class. Lidian? Please? Don't be passing notes, little Lidian. Just watch. Thank you. Canucklehead, go stand over there by the wall. You too, little A.

Rub the balloon on little A.'s hair, Canuck. GENTLY! More, please. Now hold the balloon against the wall. Let go. Let go. Yes, let go. Let go of it, Canuck!

Class, what is the balloon doing now?

Janet? Yes! It IS staying stuck to the wall! Good girl! Now who can tell us WHY the balloon is staying stuck to the wall?

Angelika: ::yawning:: "Opposites attract." ::yawns again::

Yes! Opposites attract! Two whole words! Good, little Angelika!

The balloon has a more negative charge because it picked up electrons from little A.'s hair. What? Yes, little A. "Curly" hair. Thank you. And the wall has a more positive charge than the balloon. Opposites attract. Good! Sit down, children.

What else is static electricity? Lightning is static electricity. Don't point your finger at lightning, little Canuck. Lighting moves from cloud to cloud or from cloud to the ground, but who's checking it that closely? NOBODY! Besides, it is too fast to see that. Too fast - right, little Canuck? ::Playfully flicks his fingers out and snaps little Canuck's ear::

How about the other kind of electricity - the kind you make yourself? "Dynamic" electricity. Who can guess, before we start? Anyone? Little Sage?

Little Sage: "You can make your own electricity by repeatedly cutting an electromagnetic field with an armature."

Wow! And little Sage wasn't here last time either! But little Sage is British, so that explains it. Hmmmm. But little A. is British, too. A conundrum. Can you say "conundrum", Ettarose? No, sweetheart, not quite. But close. Don't hunker down, little A. Please. Yes, little Canucklehead? You had your hand up? No, no beer at your age, young man. Well, what then? Ah. Little Sage is a biker. I see. Yes. That would explain it, wouldn't it?

Now, if you would please just step up here for a moment, little Canuck. Little Canuck? Don't back away, little Canuck. You can trust your teacher.

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Next time: Electricity is stored in one-gallon-sized plastic-lined buckets that are located behind each light switch and wall receptacle in your home. True or false? And little Sage cuts that electromagnetic field like a chocolate cake. Also: Little Canuck demonstrates the proper way to use a neon current tester.