Normally I don't bother you with crap letters I receive in the mail. And a lot of other things, too. In fact, you probably have no real idea of how little I really bother you. But I could.
I got a letter yesterday (I was going to say "in the mail", but I resisted) from General Motors. If you live in the USA, you will already know that, after 100 years of mismanagement and arrogance, General Motors finally went belly up and declared bankruptcy, stiffed their creditors, and got taken over by the government. Which is to say you (if you are an American) are now the proud owner of 60% of this loser (I almost said "once proud" but they were never proud, only arrogant) company.
If you happen to be a non-American reading this, meh. Well, actually, you probably have heard of General Motors too, and may even be aware that they have recently been "bailed out" with several billion 'bama bucks but declared bankruptcy anyway, after spending the money. At any rate, this will be funny for you too if you are an English speaker.
The letter was sent to all their ex-customers to assure them that despite what they may have heard on the news and from President Obama, everything down at RenCen on the Detroit River is still just hunky dory. I, by the way, am worse than an ex-customer: I am both a past owner of a GM product and a present owner of a GM product. I only got one letter, though, so apparently the new cost-cutting features are already phasing in.
The beauty and excellence of the incredible spin contained in this letter goes FAR beyond the expertise of a corporate lawyer. Even beyond the ability of a master politician. No, the author of this spin letter deserves some sort of Pulizer Prize in advertising fiction.
Remember, this is a company which is bankrupt. Mismanaged. Humiliated. Run into the ground. Corrupt. Inept. Lost more money for their stockholders than Enron. Taken over by the government. Second only to Chrysler. How in the world can you put a good face on something as slimy and hopeless as that? How can you expect to keep your customers and ask them to spend more money with you? How indeed. Just read these paragraphs from their letter:
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"Dear ______
First off, I'd like to thank you for being a GM customer. Your current and future business means a lot to us. Given all of the recent media coverage about GM, I am writing you today to address some questions you may have, and to assure you that we are here to stay [vomit stain here] and ready to serve you.
As you may know, GM is using an expedited, court-supervised process to accelerate the reinvention of our company. ..."
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So. It is not bankruptcy, then, as we were told? It is an "expedited, court-supervised process"?
The government did not fire your CEO and step in and start barking orders? Instead, it is a "reinvention" of your unbelievably inept and wasteful company?
Later on in the letter, they even bragged that their new vehicles would now be covered by a "special U.S. Government-backed comprehensive... limited warranty." [More retching sounds from Relax Max here.]
JesusJosephandMary, people. Have these losers no pride?
And now I see that the courts have cleared the way to form a new car company called "Chrysler-Fiat." Isn't that special? All the reliability of a Fiat coupled with the fine design that made your grandfather think Chrysler was keen.
Walter Chrysler and Billy Durant are spinning too. In their graves.
God help us all if this is what corporate America has come to.
