Driving traffic to your blog

I wonder where that term came from - "driving" traffic to your blog. I'm not sure I even want to try and entertain someone who has been driven here. They would probably be sulking and close-minded, like, well, like the rest of you. Besides, who likes to be referred to as a piece of "traffic?"

I would prefer to "attract" "new readers" to my blog. Admittedly that's not likely because I don't have very interesting content.

"Content." Now there's another word I don't like very much. I write stories. I explain how things are or how to do things. I entertain. I like to think I tap dance around issues. I tell you what I did last night. Sometimes I sing for you. I don't produce "content." If I do, content isn't king. I'm king around here. Yo.

SEO. Oh. SEO. Optimize your SEO. Maximize your SEO. Blow bubbles with your SEO. I think I will leave SEO to the experts like Descartes. Pick a lucky word and pay Google to make that word an adword. Does that make sense? Then Google will put it on all your blogs in Adsense. You know Adsense. That's the thing in your sidebar that almost paid you enough to buy a candy bar over the last three years. Also known as "Free Advertising Revenue for Google."
They'll share the revenue with you, though. How much? What percentage? None of your business. Just install the widget and trust in Google. In Google you trust. In the unlikely event you ever receive a check from Google, how will you know it's for the correct amount? You don't. Why? None of your business.

Please save all your Google Adsense paychecks and put them with all your Entrecard credits you've cashed in and do your Christmas shopping.

Where was I?Oh - I was going to tell you how to drive traffic to your blog. First you visit other blogs and select commenters who appear to be halfway intelligent. Then throw them in the back of your paddy wagon and drive them to your blog. Simple.Shoutouts for recent commenters:
A. shows street sign with French words on it and a BEAUTIFUL sunset.
Stephanie B talks about critical thinking.
Sheila tells us where O'Connell street is. Betcha can guess.
Debbie tells how to kick butt.
Canucklehead shows some beautiful pics of Greece vacation.
Janet has Hernan Cortez on stage. Wait. That's a windmill.
Ettarose tells the summer delights of North Carolina.
Sage claims her birthday is in March but still drives a Peugeot. I think.
Lidian gets serious about stopping thumbsucking.
Descartes shows off his silver toenails and torches a warehouse.
Frostygirl shows Africa's questions for Obama. Tough ones, too.

Today is my last chance

Over the past few months I have been trying really hard to get into the "Belly Laugh Bloggers" association. Only the very best of the best funny bloggers are members, so it means a lot to me. They only give you three chances, spaced one month apart between tries, and I have already been rejected twice. Admittedly, this is mainly because only my cat thinks I am funny. So this post will be my "do or die" attempt at membership. Cross your fingers for me. Or, if you live in South Africa, hold thumbs. If you live in Winchester, touch wood. If you live in Newark, hold your breath (it stinks in Newark.)

The thing is, in addition to membership, they also give your blog a rating, just like the movies, and I want to have the dirtiest rating possible, NC-17 (they don't have an XXX rating) - because the dirtiest blogs are the ones that get read the most. According to Ettarose and Chica anyway.

Those of you who read this blog, and my past failed attempts at other blogs, know that I am disadvantaged in this area. I WANT to be profane - truly I do - but my christian mother instilled too much class in my psyche to allow for much of that, even these decades later.

Fuh... fuh .... fuh...

See?

But I REALLY want to be accepted into this prestigious Belly Laugh Blogger's organization and be able to proudly display their really cool badge in my sidebar. This would be good for at least 9 new followers, I'm thinking.

What to do?

As is often the case, the answer was deceptively simple: Go read some Australian blogs. Duh. Reading Australian blogs will quickly dull your senses in general, or any sign of class or morality you might have. And so I did.

I settled on a tame cooking blog from the desolate Northern Territory (Near the Tropic of Capricorn ::wink wink nudge nudge::) that was so far out in the sticks even God didn't know it existed, so that any theft from the blog I might deem necessary would never be discovered in a million years. Especially if I "forgot" to link to it.

Anyway.

This is to say I have learned my lesson: twice rejected means I can't submit my own material. I'm just not good enough. Even I get that. Hence the theft of good material from a remote blogger who (a) won't even know I stole his or her post, and (b) is too far away to do anything about it even if he/she discovers what I did. Win-win, right?

Right now you may be thinking to yourself, "But he just told the world his entry is stolen material. What an idiot." Or something similar. But no. Entirely untrue. Here's why: See... what the Belly Laugh Bloggers admissions folks do is use a spider robot to crawl entries instead of having an actual human read them. Just like Google does when they rate your blog pages. (Belly Laugh Bloggers is a really huge organization, probably even bigger than Google, and they have all the same technology to do this.)

There is one major difference from Google, though, that I hope to capitalize on, and that is you can fool their 'bots with the repetitive use of key words. Google HATES it when you do that, and have trained their slimy 'bots to downgrade your page rank when you try it. But this loophole is still open with the Belly Laugh folks. Confused? Meh.

Keep reading. It may clear itself up.

I explain this only so you know, when you read the below Official Entry (final entry), should you choose to do so (and you may only read it if you are over 18 years old and not from Utah), that what I am trying to do is (a) gain entry to the coveted club; (b) obtain a really dirty one-time blog rating so a lot of people will think my blog is totally hip. Plus, as a bonus feature and for insurance purposes,  the material is stolen to boot. Win-win-win.

Without further ado ::drum roll with rim shots here:: here is my final (and, hopefully, successful) entry. Cross your fingers. Hold thumbs. Touch wood. Hold your breath. Praying is not appropriate.

...

..

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— Relax Max's official "Belly Laugh Bloggers" membership application post #3 —

My Recipe for Australian omelette

[Submitted by Matilda Waltzing —Alice Springs, NT]

Ingredients:

2 fucking eggs
some fucking salt and pepper
fucking chives
1 fucking knob [?] of fucking butter

Directions:

Heat the fucking butter in a fucking omelette pan.
Fucking break the fucking eggs into a fucking bowl.
Fucking whisk the fuckers and add some fucking salt and fucking pepper to taste.
When the fucking butter is hot, add the fucking mixture to the pan.
When cooked, take the fucking thing out.
Eat the fucker.

Note from Mrs. Waltzing: Fucking parsley or fucking chopped scallions may fucking be substituted for the fucking chives if you fucking want.