Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Waterboarding is highly misunderstood

Waterboarding is getting a bad rap. Waterboarding needs to be "re-imaged" as the advertising world puts it.

See... in truth, waterboarding helps reverse global warming. There is entirely too much CO2 being emitted by the prisoners at Guantanamo. Who could argue with that? By injecting water, which is really high in oxygen content, up the noses of the offending emitters, the greenhouse emissions go down.

This is not just another wild claim by this blogger. It is a scientific fact.*
Please note that the picture above is only an artist's rendering and you should NOT attempt to waterboard any terrorist in the manner shown in the illustration. For example, it is highly recommended that you tie the terrorist down and also lose the necktie. Otherwise, just as sure as Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin were both born in 1964, the terrorist is going to reach out and squeeze your cojones until water runs out of your own eyes. This will make it EXTREMELY hard for you to concentrate on the task at hand - and concentration is key during waterboarding. Alternatively, the terrorist may use your necktie as a lever to bounce your forehead off the wooden platform repeatedly. This is also not recommended when concentration is important.

*Not to be construed as an actual scientific fact.**

**But the process was actually investigated and confirmed by Nobel Prize-winning researcher, Dr. Moumad al-Gore.***

***Not to be construed as an actual truthful statement.


  1. I don't think you should be making light of torturing human beings.

  2. Really? Waterboarding is the sport all prisoners are expected to excel at. They have races and medals for the winners and everything. In fact for those who do the best waterboarding trick, there is nude modeling to enjoy.

  3. Dear Miss Ettarose:

    When you talk about nude modeling, is this hairy-assed terrorists or actual home-grown Iowa corn-fed female Marines who work out every day?

  4. Dear Mr. Wacker:

    I guess you're right. So I promise to give Obama and Biden the same respect and support that you gave Bush and Cheney.

    But in all fairness, I was not talking about torturing people. I was talking about waterboarding terrorists.

  5. Relax Max, hairy ass terrorist modeling of course. The corn fed marines that work out daily are lesbians. They model for each other.

  6. so, waterboarding isn't sexual in nature?

  7. @Ettarose and Debbie: My comments to both of you seem to have been mysteriously erased. I will do my best to remember. Hope they stay put this time.

    @Ettarose - I never thought of that. You are probably right. I remember when I was a teenager back right after the Civil War calmed down, when we classy 9th graders would pack in 13 or so to the car and cruise main street for girls, never quite understanding why they never seemed to want to jump in the car with us and gaze at our pimples. Anyway, there was a particularly obnoxious sophomore in our group, actually quite a leader in obnoxiousness, who would berate some of the ladies on the sidewalks with oinking sounds and cries of "feed her some corn!"

    Maybe he thought they were lesbians.

    @Debbie - No, my dear. You are thinking of Oilboarding. :)



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