I sure don't want anyone to think I am going out of my way to make fun of someone who is in an embarrassing situation. I would never do that. But the news reports on the ongoing saga of this billionaire's self-imposed tribulation is too funny to let go. So...
I will interpret the daily news gleaned from Google for you.
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Cocktail Waitress Jaimee Grubbs Claims Tiger Woods Affair
Police Close Probe of Golf Pro's Auto Mishap; Woman Tells US Weekly That She Had Affair With Woods
A Los Angeles cocktail waitress claims she had a nearly three-year fling with golf superstar Tiger Woods, according to US Weekly magazine.
Golf star paid the fine but still faces public scrutiny over a possible affair.
Jaimee Grubbs, 24, told the magazine that she began having an affair with Woods in April 2007 and has since had 20 sexual encounters with the golfer. [Yeah, right. 20.]
The article, published today on the magazine's Web site, said that Grubbs claims to have more than "300 racy texts from Woods" as well as photos. [Whoa. Racy texts. "Hi bby. Lts fk, k?"]
Voicemails allegedly left by Woods on Grubbs' cell phone will be released on the magazine's site Wednesday, according to the report. [At least she is an honorable woman.]
Grubbs recently appeared on VH1's "Tool Academy." [Fitting. She's a tool.]
Messages left for Woods' attorney, Mark NeJame, were not immediately returned. [No shit? Really? Did you tell him your name was Emily Friedman and that you blogged free-lance for Yahoo?]
Woods apparently referenced the allegations of an affair in a statement on his Web site following his one-car accident last week. ["Apparently?"]
The statement praised his wife for "acting courageously" to help him after his accident and denounced "unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me." [Not so unfounded now, eh?]
He also said: "This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect." [You are also an idiot, Tiger. Don't forget that part.]
Related:
WATCH: Tiger Woods Won't Show Up for His Own Golf Tourney
Tiger Won't Show His Stripes At Golf Tournament [Oh, so clever, these journalists]
Woods' Reputed Lover: 'Tiger and I Are Not Friends' [Soooo... that's why she is blabbing to all the tabloids, then?]
The Florida Highway Patrol announced today that Tiger Woods was issued a traffic citation for careless driving but will not face criminal charges stemming from last week's car crash. [I hate to be picky, but a traffic citation IS a criminal charge. Just sayin'.]
Woods was "at fault" for the car accident outside his Florida home Friday, said FHP Sgt. Cindy Williams, and faced a $164 fine and a four-point deduction from his license. [Is this the same Cindy Williams who was on LaVern and Shirley? She's cop now?]
Late Tuesday, Woods' lawyer NeJame said that the athlete had paid the fine. [I thought you said the lawyer wouldn't return phone calls. Oh. Just yours.]
"We are please with the outcome," said NeJame. "It's over." [You WISH it were over. Fat chance.]
There was "insufficient evidence" for authorities to subpoena medical records from Woods, according to FHP Sgt. Kim Montes, and so no criminal charges will be filed and the investigation has now concluded. [And I'm sure EVERYONE gets treated this way. Let me get this straight: two back windows broken out of his car and Tiger has a split lip and his wife is standing there with a five-iron in her hand, and there is "insufficient evidence"?]
Montes added that Woods' "celebrity status" did not have any impact on the investigation. [I'm sure everyone believes that. Thank you for pretending we are idiots.]
Earlier today, the lawyer for the neighbor who called 911 late last week after Woods' car crash said that the golf star's injuries appeared to be the result of the accident and not a domestic incident. [How would he know that if he were just standing there in the dark as he claims, while Tiger is lying in the street? Is the neighbor a medical doctor with zoom-vision?]
Cocktail Waitress Jaimee Grubbs Claims Tiger Woods Affair [Max has flashback and envisons the proud parents Grubb standing over their newborn daughter's crib and Dadgrubb says, "Let's name her Jaimeee, honey." "No, Oscar. Two "E"s are plenty."]
Bill Sharpe, the attorney for the family of Linda Adams and her son Jarius, who is believed to be the 911 caller, said that Woods' injuries were "consistent with a car accident" and "inconsistent with being beaten up." [Jarius? What about the golf club and the cussing Norwegian woman?]
"None of his injuries looked like he was beat up with a golf club," said Sharpe. [He had a split lip and facial injuries. What do you think a face looks like after a collision with golf club? You aren't all that Sharpe if you ask me. And why are we listening to you anyway. Why don't the police just do their job?]
The Adams family "comforted Mrs. Woods," who looked "upset," said Sharpe, speaking from his Orlando, Fla., law office. [Why would she be upset? She owns half of Tiger's Billion.]
Tigers appeared "woozy" when the Adams first saw him and instructed the golfer not to move until help arrived, said Sharpe. [The kid "instructed" woozy Tiger? Puhleeze. That's why he was lying in the street? Anyone think to check the golf club for blood and hair? Or would that be too much of an intrusion by the cops?]
Sharpe added that none of the Adams reported seeing any evidence that suggested a domestic dispute and did not hear anything that would suggest otherwise. No evidence of drugs or alcohol were seen on the scene by family either, said Sharpe. [And they don't expect any money from Tiger for saying that, either.]
Related
Woman Linked to Tiger 'Very Lost' After 9/11
WATCH: Tiger Woods' Crash: A 'Private Matter'
Woods Declares Crash 'a Private Matter;' Lawyer Says He Won't Talk With Cops [Next time you find yourself in a similar situation, tell the cops you won't talk with them.]
Adams is believed to have called authorities after Woods plowed his SUV into a fire hydrant and then a tree outside his Windermere, Fla., home early last Friday morning. [You "believe" he called 911? He SAYS he did. They have the 911 tapes. Maybe you are right.]
Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, reportedly used a golf club to smash a window of his SUV to get him out. [So why not break out the passenger side window and reach in and unlock the door? Why break out both back windows instead? Vengeance is mine, saith the lord. Lucky she just happened to have a golf club in her hand at the time.]
Sharpe said today that his clients did not see any golf clubs at the scene of the accident. [Yeah? Well his wife says she had one and there are broken windows all over. Don't be stupid.]
But in the wake of the accident, during which Woods has stayed mostly mum about what happened -- even refusing to talk with police about the incident -- rumors have swirled around the possibility that an alleged affair between the athlete and night club hostess Rachel Uchitel may have been the cause for a domestic dispute. [What happened to Jaimeee Grubbb? Can't this guy just keep it in his pants?]
In the days prior to the car accident, Woods' reputed affair with Uchitel was reported first by the National Enquirer. That report spread following the car accident. [That ain't all that spread. Tiger's afraid to go to sleep now.]
Cocktail Waitress Jaimee Grubbs Claims Tiger Woods Affair
Police Close Probe of Golf Pro's Auto Mishap; Woman Tells US Weekly That She Had Affair With Woods
But Uchitel denied any kind of affair with the golf superstar and called the rumors "ridiculous" in an interview with the New York Post today.
Related
WATCH: Questions Surround Tiger's Car Crash
WATCH: Tiger Woods 911 Call
PHOTOS: Tiger Woods Crash Scene
"Not a word of it is true," Uchitel told the Post. "It's the most ridiculous story. It's like they are asking me to comment if there are aliens on Earth."
Uchitel said Woods had been to the New York City club where she worked, and she did escort Woods and his group in and out, but that was the extent of their contact. [We'll revisit these indignant denials in a couple weeks and see if she forgot anything.]
Yesterday, Woods withdrew from the golf tournament that was scheduled to begin today and recused himself of his hosting duties, citing unspecified injuries he suffered from the mysterious crash. [Plus he still can't walk straight. I think you mean "excused". He's not a judge.]
"I am extremely disappointed that I will not be at my tournament this week," Woods said in a statement posted on his Web site. "I am certain it will be an outstanding event, and I'm very sorry I can't be there." [But I just can't bring myself to touch a golf club right now.]
Parnevik sticks the knife into Woods: while the rest of the golf world tip-toed around the story, Sweden's finest went at it with hob-nailed boots.
ReplyDeleteFrom the Guardian:
The Woods family Christmas card list is getting shorter by the minute.
.
.
He did not, as we like to say in Scotland, miss and hit the wall.
.
.
Parvenik - "I really feel sorry for Elin -- since me and my wife were at fault for hooking her up with him. We probably thought he was a better guy than he is. I would probably need to apologize to her and hope she uses a driver next time instead of the 3-iron.
It's a private thing of course. But when you are the guy he is, the world's best athlete, you should think more before you do stuff ... And maybe not just do it, like Nike says."
Sorry that's so long, but it made me laugh. I had been in search of how you could "WATCH" a news story. Dawn has finally broken.
Methinks that there are a lot more 'ladies' to come out of the wood and claim their a) moment of fame and b) a cash payment.. While I can't help but feel for tiger woods, and his partner TW has opened the can of worms xx
ReplyDeleteSomeone please explain why this is "news." I know there are many things like this, but it always confuses me. Sure, if a regular person had done this, they would have had to talk to the police and more tests would have been done. It also would have had a line in the crimebeat the next day, if that.
ReplyDeleteWhy in the world should I care?
@A. - So you are saying she's Swedish. Ok. Sorry. :)
ReplyDeleteOf course Tiger is not the world's best athlete. Or even an athlete. Parnevik only said that because Jesper is a golfer too, and he fancies himself an athlete, albeit considerably down the pecking order below Tiger.
Mainly he wants to take the opportunity to remind us he introduced Tiger to his unfortunate wife. Well, I know I am impressed. Heh.
But funny, yes. :) (The Guardian usually is.) Tell me more about this Dawn person you broke. And did you use a 3 iron?
@Sage - I could say something naughty right now, but I am biting my tongue. "Ladies coming out of the wood." Bravo! :) :)
ReplyDelete@Stephanie B - You don't have to care as long as you read the advertising next to the "story" while you shake your head in disgust.
ReplyDeleteIt's not really about news. It's about readers. And this crapola (for whatever reason) makes the buying public flock in. Why do you think tv soap operas are so popular? Why do you think they call them soap operas?
It's sort of like that time you hit that tree while you were rubber-necking at the auto accident while passing. :)
Don't be trying to claim you are "above" a bit of juicy gossip. Scientists should always investigate, after all. :) :)
I don't, RM. This is the only "story" I've read on this. I'm just tired of the headlines.
ReplyDeleteI have a gossip aversion. It's called the "who-cares" gene. It applies to a long list of "celebrities" who's major claim to fame seems to be their ability to get stories written about them. Once in a while, someone who actually accomplished something sneaks in there, but the stories about them tend to have nothing to do with their accomplishments.
I said it about Michael Phelps and I'm saying it here. I'm not big into sports, but I don't see why details that have nothing to do with their claims to fame are any of our business any more than any other doofus who picks up a bong or manages to slam his car into a tree during a argument with a spouse.
The rules should be the same for famous people and regular people when it comes to the law, but the attention that falls from that should be limited to what those crimes justify. If someone famous kills you or some "nobody," you're just as dead and it's just as important to get justice.
Unlike what I said about government, I'm well aware that this prurient interest in celebrity minutae is unlikely to be curable. The public is, apparently, infinitely fascinated with the foibles and details of the famous no matter how unimportant.
But I don't have to participate or like it.
If you are a celebrity, whose money is made from the public in the public eye and whose image is put forward as squeaky clean, and you are involved in an incident that would make most of us at least embarrassed, you can expect media attention. You can't expect to welcome media attention for some things and choose not to for others.
ReplyDeleteSo I've heard, Sheila. I just don't understand WHY. His domestic bliss and driving skills (at least in a car) have nothing to do with his golfing abilities. Why should I care?
ReplyDeleteAlong with Stephanie B, I don't care.
ReplyDeleteI've heard of Tiger Woods.
He does golf. Golf is something I've never quite seen the point of. Yes, I get the original idea, two guys strolling along the dunes, chatting, and idly whacking at a pinecone with a stick. I just don't quite understand why anyone would bother watching.
the rest?
it's just sad.
leave them to rage and weep,
or shout and deny, whatever, the tide will rise, and fall, the world goes on in its wobbly orbit, people are born, others die.
The tragedy is theirs, leave them to it.
Okay, I take it all back.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm about ready to hold a sweepstake for the final number of notches on Tiger Woods' club.
It's getting to look like an "I'm Spartacus" fest.
"Golf is a good walk spoiled." Samuel Clemons
ReplyDeleteThis is the most I've heard about this, since I ignored the headlines and didn't read any of the stories.
But to throw my 2 cents in, in my 1997 car wreck I sustained a split lip and facial injuries that required approximately 35 total stitches to repair. And there wasn't a golf club in sight. Just windshield glass.
But I loved your last line.