Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Relax Max personal counseling services now available by prepaid appointment

["Counseling Questions and Answers" is a public service of this blog. Previously known as "Shrinking the Masses."]

Dear RM counseling services,

I find flaws with people, and once this happens I do not like being around them, and they irritate me. I am not sure I like people that much. I do not get it, though - because I have a lot of friends and am an extrovert. Why is it that once I find out someone is not perfect, I dislike them?

"Troubled in Idaho"

[Counseling questions are answered by one of our staff clinical psychologists, randomly selected]

Dear Troubled,

The obvious answer that springs to mind is that you are simply an arrogant asshole. Of course, giving an answer that quickly would not allow us to set up years of counseling appointments, so we can assure you your problem is more deeply rooted. Like an Idaho Potato.

Are you sure people like you? Sometimes it may seem like it on the surface, but in reality they are making fun of you behind your back. That is just one possibility, so don't go get paranoid or your counseling sessions will need to be extended. If you knew how people really felt about you, you would probably not be such an extrovert. Just saying.

Do you have any flaws yourself? If so, do you dislike yourself or just other people who have flaws?

In our profession, we say what you have is delusions of grandeur as an offshoot of a sick superiority complex. Of course we never use the word "sick" when actually talking to patients. We say this in order to get you into formal counseling. In reality, you are quite inadequate. In fact, your case reminds us of a classic Napoleon-ic syndrome, except you are not being poisoned on an island. (Are you?)

It is really difficult to diagnose and offer treatment by letters in a blog, but we thought we would give it an awkward try. So our counsel is to lighten up and don't be this way anymore. Just try to smile and keep it bottled up inside, would be our free advice. Perhaps take up pottery or fish-gazing.

Thank you for your letter. Please disregard this advice if you work for the government. Or if you are a lawyer.

In Capital Punishment news:

Virginia just executed its first female a few days ago. First since 1912, I think they said. Well, not first female since 1912 in the U.S., just in Virginia. She sex-hired a couple of guys to kill her husband a few years back for some insurance money. After the sex, they also said the killers wanted a cut of the insurance money, too. The newspaper said she got religion and was always happy and laughing while living on death row. Sobered up quickly when she entered the death chamber, though, witnesses said. A guard compassionately patted her shoulder as she was in mid-croak, the paper said. So I'm guessing it wasn't the electric chair.

In California, Governor Swartzhoweveryouspellhisname had to stay an execution this week. Why? The expiration date on the death drugs had expired at midnight last Thursday. You think I am kidding? This is America. God forbid the killer gets some bad lethal drugs. They are finding some more now to restock the medicine cabinet, I guess.



  1. So you missed the story of the death-row prisoner in Georgia, who was so scared of his upcoming execution by lethal injection, scheduled for tuesday 22nd september, that he slashed his wrists and throat with razor blades?

    This was his attempt at suicide, but it was foiled by prison guards.
    He was taken to hospital, where he had to be strapped to a chair to stop him tearing out the stitches in a further attempt at killing himself. His lawyer argued that the chair was itself "A torture device" and that the said prisoner's rights had been violated by the prisoner being allowed to acquire a razor blade.

    Never mind. After a stay of execution to allow him to recover from his own chosen method of execution, (which one might characterise as "cruel and unusual" if perpetrated upon him by the state)... Bradley Rhodes was executed by the approved method on the following friday.

    What? Oh. He and his pal killed an eleven year old boy, then the boy's fifteen year old sister, then the kid's father, when they interrupted a burglary at their home.
    They seem not to have had so much concern for constitutional rights at that time.

  2. "They seem not to have had so much concern for constitutional rights at that time."

    AMEN to that...

  3. I've decided after a long deliberation - it must be that you're charming, Max.

    You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer 'yes' without having asked any clear question. ~ Albert Camus

    Charming people live up to the very edge of their charm, and behave as outrageously as the world lets them. ~ Logan Pearsall Smith

    Yes, that's the answer. Definitely. I can relax now.

  4. Oh Soubriquet. There is a better one than that now, whose trial is just getting under way. Maybe you'll still be around in 19 years when they get their due.

    @A. - Yes, I know you don't like the language I use. It's hard to change. I am pretty rough around the edges.

  5. But A., Maybe you really mean I am charming after all. Someone as simple as I could believe you. I think I will. :)

  6. There is a law, reputedly, in Texas (though I've never looked it up myself) that lethal injection drugs must be "safe and effective" - doesn't stop us from using them, though.

    And you already know how I feel about this - I just wish the road getting there made more sense.

  7. I was thinking of seeking counseling, as I have numerous issues. Would you by any chance have a breakdown of your fee's? Are your staff clinical psychologists able to prescribe drugs, I would like some of those.



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