Thursday, April 8, 2010

Max's Maxims: Your true value depends entirely upon what you are being compared with.

None of these were quite funny enough until I began changing them to suit my own warped sense of humor.

You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Here's one for my buddy Canucklehead: You are not truly drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on!

You can accomplish much with a kind word. But a kind word and a gun works miracles.

You can observe a lot just by watching. (Yogi Berra, I think)

Contrary to popular belief, you do not need a parachute in order to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.

Some people aren't, but I've always been a big fan of violence. Frankly, if you don't get what you want you are simply not using enough.

Here's a question I have often wondered about: why is the alphabet in the order that it is? Who decided? Was it because of that song?

Pigs can fly just fine. With enough thrust. (That's a physics joke for Boris)

Here's a poser. Why do they use costly new sterile needles to give a lethal injection? Really. Just save the same damn needle.

No groaning; just skip this one if you don't like poo jokes. Why buy shampoo when REAL poo is free?

Here's one for the unfathomable Patches (Patchwork): "Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

Is ignorance worse than apathy? Or is it the other way around? Who knows. Who cares.

Have you ever been so mad you tried to slam the revolving door?

When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?

I think it was Aristotle who said, "When in doubt, poke it with a stick."

I hope these qualify for a post. It's all I have today.

And for a disruptive Irish lass: When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. :)


  1. Pff, I'll believe that pigs can fly when pigs can fly ;)

  2. I'm with Boris. It doesn't count as flying unless they can maintain it. Otherwise, it's just falling with force.

  3. Why yes, it probably IS after that song.

    My favorite obscure maxim (as in Gorky, actually) is the following, which I don't quite understand (and goodness knows no one else ever does) but it makes me laugh:

    "Of course Alexander the Great was a hero, but why smash the chairs?"

    This was almost my yearbook quote in college, too.

  4. Three of my favorites once hung on my wall:

    "The odds of getting eaten by lion in Central Park are one in a million but once would be enough"

    William Penn said: "Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than from the arguments of its opposers."

    And, of course, Feynman, "For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations for Nature cannot be fooled."

    Still, one of my favorite things I ever saw was written on a black board in the tech services building. I liked it so much I wrote it down:

    Some one had written "We, the insignificant and inquiring, dubbed by the All-Knowing as "lower than whale pookie," do hereby and herein sincerely promise to conform, comply and obey (assume the position) for all who seek our service."

    Under it, in a different hand, someone had written, "The beatings will continue until morale improves. THE MANAGEMENT"

  5. Unfathomable how you could know I often do ask that questio! :)

  6. No, the Irish lass isn't in the wrong lane, they are.

  7. Well I suppose we can call this a lighthearted post, it qualifies. I was in a lighthearted mood anyway.

  8. Cute cute pic.

    My favorite quotation, which I had on my office door for years back in the last century when I had an office, is:
    "If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning." Catherine Aird

  9. I don't know what to say about you people. I think I'll let your comments speak for themselves. Except for Jeff King, you are all pretty disgusting.

  10. Ok, not exactly disgusting. What's the word I'm looking for?

    Boris: I'm not sure if this response is off-topic or not, but the only way the Russians are going to get to the moon is if we take them.

    Stephanie: With regards to the space shuttle not actually flying - of course Alexander was great, but why collide protons? (Or lead nuclei, for that matter. :)

    Lydian: I find it hard to believe you didn't get that. Wasn't Gorky Park an old Richard Harris song?

    "Oh, Gorky Park is melting in the rain, all the sweet green icing running dowwwwwn..."

    Perhaps that was the emperor Maxim Million. I get confused when pressed.

    Stephanie: I liked the last one. But I was really hoping you could explain the Gorky quote. Ah, well.

    Patchwork: I hope it wouldn't be out of place to tell you I like your avatar. :)

    A: Maybe. It's a long, long way to Tiparillo. To misquote somebody. Something about a cigar.

    Sue: Betting you aren't in a lighthearted mood any more, after all this.

    Jeff: Well, thank you. It's only a little dog in a red blanket though.

  11. Kidding, Jeff. I know which picture you mean. I think.



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