Saturday, April 3, 2010

Round 'em up. Head 'em out. Yeee-Ha!

After another week of cruising the vast wasteland that is the internet and watching much too much Fox News with my face perilously close to the TV, I just have to download a little mind-clutter in this space today, in order to free up part of my brain for the coming week.

1. Eugenics, part II: Glenn Beck says that progressives (Harvard-educated, he asserts) actually believe they can BREED stupidity out of the American electorate over time. And, speaking of progressive thought, wasn't it the late George Bernard Shaw who publicly wished they could somehow discover a "friendly gas" to put stupid (non-progressive-minded) voters out of their misery and accomplish the same thing? Less time involved, of course. oi.

2. Larry King and Snoop Dogg (pictured at top): I don't know what this was all about but I saw a snippet where Larry King is getting into Snoop's bouncemobile, and Snoop lets him drive, no less, while the porn rapper handles the car's bounce hydraulics from the passenger seat. Now, I can't tell you why a film clip of Dogg and King were being shown on Fox News, or even what it was related to, but I was aghast at how much more death-like Larry King has become since I last saw his red suspenders crossed between his emaciated shoulder blades. My God. Truly. In addition to having less neck motility than Ernest Angly, he has somehow acquired a sort of George Burns-like lock-kneed walk, and being so tall and skinny, has taken on a tall scarecrow look, or maybe more like an Ichabod Crane wannabe caricature, you know? Or that big scary undertaker dude in Phantasm? You get the picture. So King opens the driver's side door and tries to get into Snoop's convertible pimpmobile, only he can't bend his knees, see? Snoop is probably 40 years old now, but King was a hundred when Snoop was born. I do sympathize. Larry has been married six or eight times and has been corn-reamed in each dee-vor-us, so I understand his stiff walk. Wait, wait, I've got it: remember the scene in Animal House where the Stork is leading the band down the alley? Like that walk. Plus, when you add in twice as many heart attacks as marriages, Larry King really has an excuse to look like a walking dead thing. To his credit, his hair never moves in the wind. He's the best ratings grabber, at 0.16 share, that CNN has, so they keep him on. I only wish I had tuned in a minute earlier so I could have understood what the two misfits were doing together in the first place and why the hell Fox was showing their competitor's main guy - but it may have been for their "This Week's Dumbest Thing" segment on O'Reilly. All I know is I want to download those images from my brain now, please.

3. Colon Flow: The world's most repulsive commerical, also shown on Fox News, who will do anything for a buck. Here is the gist of the wonder product they advertised before Sean Hannity came on and I turned the TV off:

"If you’re not evacuating two times daily, you could be carrying 4 ½ to 9 pounds of extra weight! That’s uncomfortable, unhealthy, and can cause an unsightly tummy bulge! That’s why we know you’ll be pleased with the way you feel and look using Colon Flow. It will give you the comfort of eliminating waste regularly and easily, and will reduce foul toxic waste buildup that can lead to constipation, impaction, hemorrhoids, digestive issues, bad breath, parasites, bloating, gas, weight gain from extra fecal matter, irritable bowel, sluggishness, fuzzy thinking, headaches, tummy bulge, sleep disturbances, and more..."

What more? Creeping Larry King Syndrome? In my disgust, I still couldn't shake the mental image of Vice-President Joey Biden sitting in his palace in front of the TV, pizza on lap, nodding in agreement with the commercial. Which is odd, because Joey wouldn't be caught DEAD watching Fox News. Or if he WERE caught by Michelle's husband, he would be back chained up again in the White House basement with duct tape over his mouth.

I gotta go.


  1. Excuse me, Max, I hope you aren't going to take this the wrong way, but a return to the politics could be a good thing. I don't follow or understand politics, but this post goes beyond that, way beyond. Each individual word makes sense, but put together.... I'm not so sure.

  2. I'm wondering if Larry King were to excavate twice daily, would he eventually turn inside out?? Would that qualify as GPG? I'm thinking yes.



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